Sunday, January 26, 2014

Random thoughts for the day...

I realized recently that I'm way cooler than I let myself be in high school.

Right about now you're probably thinking, "Wow.  Modest much?"or "Duh! No one's cool in high school!"  But hear me out.

I was very shy and insecure in high school.  There were plenty of things I wanted to do that I just never had the guts to do.  I was really involved in speech and drama, but mostly behind the scenes.  If I got a part it was minuscule, and while I was ecstatic to have the part, it also created a sense of sheer panic.  That insecurity made it easier to hide behind other people.  Not in a debilitating way, but in a way that shaped my taste in music, or clothing, or hobbies.  I usually felt comfortable being around my friends, around what felt familiar.  If they liked a certain band, sure, so did I.  If they loved horrible B horror movies from the 70's, sure, why not?  To some extent, this continued through college.

But at some point in my twenties, something clicked.  I started to realize what I liked, and I was ok with it.  I was comfortable with it.  I could do things, new things, on my own, and it didn't send me into a panic.  After I had Ellie, even more of those old insecurities went out the window.  I was comfortable with me.

I realize this is all a work in progress, and when I think back I'm actually grateful for the time I spent following.  If I had been stubbornly set in my ways, and my habits, and my preferences, I wouldn't have discovered music I still love today, I wouldn't have learned that I'm terrible at first person shooter video games, or that I hate B horror movies from the 1970s (or all horror movies for that matter…much to my husband's dismay).

I see Ellie, and all her shyness, and sometimes I worry that she'll go through school as timid and insecure as I did.  While I came out with a few positives, it took me until my late 20's to find my confidence.  I'm hoping she gets there a little faster.


Sleep Goblin said...

You and me both kid. I think it's super common for people to find themselves later in life. That's why your 30's are so great.

Jessi said...

I was just thinking yesterday about this quote from Doctor Who. "We all change when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s ok, that’s good, as long as you keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be." I didn't always like who I was and I'm not sure I always like who I am now, but I see that it's all necessary. It's all part of the journey.

Lisa said...

I really like that quote, hadn't heard it before.